Why you should shop at Somerfields!

Based on Observation as a worker in Somerfields over nearly 3 years now (oh dear Lord has it really been that long ) I have decided to list some reasons to shop in Somerfields.

1. You really really like Asda but can't be bothered to go across town to the nearest one.

I hate people like this. They come in and then walk around complaining (loudly) that everything's cheaper in Asda. THEN WHY DON'T YOU GO TO ASDA YOU PRICK! Some of them actually carry around receipts with them and compare prices. What are you? A market researcher?! Some people actually inform me of the price difference. Well if its cheaper at ASDA SHOP AT ASDA YOU PRICK! One guy actually came up to me and asked for directions to the nearest Asda. Do I have a badge saying "Ask me for directions to our competitors stores!!!" No! ###### off.

2. You crave disappointment.

People come up to me, and say to me "Do you have any <insert random gibberish here> I blink at them" and they get in a huff because we don't have their moronic ingredients and now their pasta dish will be ruined. Look people, this is Somerfields in Weymouth. We are a small store, we are situated on a council estate, and we have a peacocks franchise in the store. We are not dealing with the height of middle class fashionable foods. I am not Jamie Oliver, for one thing I'm not a cockney prick.

Go shop at Waitrose or Marks and Spencers with the other pricks who want to spend £10 on a loaf of bread (something you can actually do in Waitrose, ooo aren't you better than everyone else), Somerfields deals with selling large quantities of cider to 13 year olds, not vegetables from Japan. Seriously, I think we should just become an off-license. Which reminds me of this thing I saw in the US, this is absolutely serious 'drive thru liquor store'. Now if that's not just the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Yep, now you don't even have to get out of your car to get your large quantities of booze. Now if thats not a way to encourage drink driving I don't know what is.

What is it with Americans? Are you people too lazy to get your fat asses (and yes they are fat) out of the damn car to get something to drink.

Ahh well I think I've gone on a tangent here. NEXT!

3. You're 13 years old, it's Friday night and you wanna get drunk.

Oh wait I already did this one.

4. You enjoy the sight of 18 stone women.

We don't have one hot woman at work. They're all like 60 stone. There's this one woman who works on tills who had to have a special chair shipped in from the US to hold her weight. No wonder why, I was in lunch with her once and she brought half our shop in with her. Pies (ahh pies, truly the food of the obese gods), sausage rolls, sweets, cake, sandwiches. Literally all in one lunch. When I have lunch at work, I have a sandwich, maybe a sausage roll, a couple of bottles of lucozade and a chocolate bar, and I think I eat too much. She proved me wrong alright.

So if you have a fetish for women the size of Vatican City give Somerfields a go.

5. You really like to queue.

I cannot count the amount of times I have been trying to have lunch and have ended up queuing for 20 minutes. Somerfields counts that as my lunch, so if I have a 30 minute lunch break that's 2/3rds of my lunch gone! Hours wasted, because our people are slow and useless and old (note: These three words are synomynous)

6. You're mentally deficient

"Where are the McCoys crisps" I take them to the crisp aisle and show them "Oh didn't think they'd be there" yeah who'd think that the crisps would be down the crisp aisle. ITS MADNESS!

7. You're old and just want to tell people about the Marks and Spencers that your dad worked in the 1950s.

So many times old people come up to me, ask me something and then begin wittering on about absolutely nothing for ages and ages. Am I your relative? No. I'm not here for you to bore, you have family members for that you barmy old bat. No, I don't want to hear about your brother Larry's days in the Merchant Navy. No I'm not interested in television from 1957. No, I don't think the BNP get an unfair rap. No I don't think the Daily Express is an excellent newspaper. ###### off and die.

8. You want to complain about the toiletry facilities.

We don't have any customer toilets. The reason is simple: we're a small store. There used to be some public toilets down the road, but the council closed them because homosexuals used them as a place to have sex (not that I'm judging, I just wish they'd have sex somewhere that didn't end up in me getting pissed off). This results in everybody asking me for the toilet and then I have to explain that there isn't one, why there isn't one, why we don't have one installed, why you can't go to the staff toilets (because they're next to the lockers and therefore Somerfields feels that 60 year old women who need the loo might be a security threat).

On more than one occasion this has resulted in some bizarre happenings. I have cleaned up children's crap off the floor of Somerfields no less than 3 times. And one time Peacocks changing room was used as a urinal by one youngster. WHY CAN'T YOU BLOODY GO TO THE LOO BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE?!

I just repeat my new mantra '9 months until uni starts'