It's obviously not funny!

Corporations. It's bad enough that they exploit labour for pitiful wages and generally show a contempt for anything that can't be used to buy shiny things, but when they start distributing bad jokes they cross a line.

Every Christmas my family, like most families in Britain, have crackers at Christmas. Upon the pulling of said cracker each family member then proceeds to read out the exceptionally humourous joke found within. It is my belief that is some form of torture devised in order to balance out the joy found through the acquisition of new things. You have had new stuff today! Therefore you must be face retribution through poor puns. Each year I refuse to read out my joke on moral grounds. It is like being a conscientious objector in wartime. I would really prefer not to cause that much damage to the brains of my family.

Well except for my sister. B*tch.

They too insist on placing these 'jokes' on penguins and other forms of snack. Wotsits ran 'jokes' for a while I believe. I've made a policy of not giving in and just ripping the packaging apart therefore destroying any evidence of 'joke' to my friends.

The thing is these jokes are never funny. They all follow the same general layout.

"Q: What is black and white and often red?
A: A newspaper."

Oh the hilarity. OK first of all, that jokes been doing the rounds longer than Bertha the 78 year old prostitute who lives two streets away. When they unearthed Pompeii they found that joke chiselled into a stone tablet. Said tablet had apparently been lain over the top of a stone box, into which another word was chiselled. Archaeologists currently believe that the word loosely translates into 'Fish-like bird'

Second of all, you never tell anyone when the punchline is. That's ######ing elementary comedy you retards. Didn't you pay any attention in comedy college?! If we were to take that and apply it to my blog entry, every paragraph would end with the following.



As you can see this simply wouldn't work. You don't ######ing tell people when to laugh. They find things funny when they decide to!

Third of all, it's a ######ing penguin. Who cares? I just want the bloody biscuit coated in chocolate goodness. Why do you have to torture me first? Who finds these things funny? Even as a kid they were a major letdown. And then someone next to you would say 'poo' and you'd burst into laughter, because kids are idiots.

The thing is these big corporations want jokes that don't offend anyone, aren't lengthy, and anyone with language skills gets. We wouldn't want to be accused of corrupting little Johnny now would we?

Let me ask you this. Who was funnier? Eddie Murphy pre-being a sell out a b*tch and starring in ######ing kids movies, or Eddie Murphy after? If you say Eddie Murphy after then either you haven't seen Eddie Murphy's stuff, you're 8 (in which case what the ###### are you doing on here you little brat?!) or you find jokes for a corporation which manufactures Christmas Crackers for a living (in which case you've wasted your life, it would be better for humanity and yourself if you just killed yourself) The answer is obviously Eddie Murphy previously, because he wasn't affraid to offend people. Now he stars in kid movies and just makes it apparent that he's turned into a Conservative family man worthy of being placed upon a Hallmark card. Aww, it warms the heart. ###### YOU MURPHY!

Look, at the end of the day either actually attempt humour, or don't bother at all. I'd rather slit my wrists than read another penguin wrapper, yet people have this weird preoccupation with reading the damn joke to you, and then they beam at you, as if they're about to wack out my 'Commence Laughter!!!!' sign. And you never do, because its not ######ing funny. Get over it, and leave me alone.

This blog entry is dedicated to John, who's constant pleasure in the mediocrity of his own life only serves to make me pleased that I'm not him.