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Why do Video Games have to be realistic?
Posted by
,
06 March 2005
·
53 views
There's this constant drive in the video game industry to be realistic. Wow your new game has a fantastic physics engine? Who gives a ######. Seriously, why do video games have to be realistic, as long as they're fun. I decided to backtrack over some of my favourite games of all time and apply the realism logic.
Goldeneye
OK, how the ###### are you carrying about 20 different guns at once? You must either have 20 arms, or the worlds largest backpack. And what's worse is that in multiplayer you don't see the other guns, arms or backpacks! Where do they go? They do just transport somewhere? Not ######ing likely!
Super Mario Brothers
I'm guessing the original idea for this franchise was created when Sega, in a bid to defeat the competition, decided to start putting drugs in Nintendo's water. Instead it had the undesired effect, providing the world with Mario Brothers, leaving Sega to shake its fist in hearty malcontent. NOTHING about this game makes sense. OK so you're an Italian plumber, who lives in a land of mushroom people, and the only other humans are your brother, the princess of the land (who should theoretically be a Mushroom you would of thought in a mushroom based land) which has been invaded by gigantic tortoise who has, as his army, further tortoises and 'goombas' don't even begin to ask what 'goombas' are. Money is gained, not as you'd think by plumbing, but rather by hitting blocks with your head. Mushrooms make you twice the size and better, and flowers make you capable of shooting fireballs out of your hand. You can travel down pipes (rather than fix them) and everyone takes this as perfectly normal. In later years when the series progresses and Mario Sunshine comes along, a Mario game about Mario being accused of grattifying the Mushroom town THEN people start to accuse Nintendo of being a few mushrooms short of a pasta sauce. Oh yes, because before it made perfect sense!
I saw Mario the other day, well I say Mario, he was an Italian looking guy with a 'tache. Obviously Mario cannot afford to go down the pipes no more. RIP Mario's employment.
It's no wonder the Super Mario Brothers film sucked so much ass though. If you're going to make a movie about something make sure that that something makes sense on some level first.
Tetris
Don't even get me ######ing started.
Sonic the Hedgehog
OK, so he's a hedgehog. Since when are hedgehogs ######ing blue?! Some Sega fan tried to explain this to me once, but I got bored and kicked his ass. And wouldn't friction burn though his shoes?! Some Sega fan tried to explain that, so I picked him up and throw him at the body of his mate.
Tomb Raider
This game features a woman kicking ass. Silly games company, women don't kick ass, well not until they've finished cooking my dinner and washing my clothes my ######ing don't.
In fact games on the whole aren't realistic. If you die YOU AREN'T COMING BACK TO LIFE IN 30 SECONDS TIME! In real life YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE OVER CAMERA ANGLES! In real life IF YOU KILL SOMEONE YOU TEND TO END UP IN JAIL!
What's this annoying fascination with realism? Why can't we just have fun games. All the above games are just good solid fun, and they didn't need realism, in fact the lack of it probably benefits them. If I wanted real life I'd go and experience it tah.
Mario wouldn't stand for this.
Goldeneye
OK, how the ###### are you carrying about 20 different guns at once? You must either have 20 arms, or the worlds largest backpack. And what's worse is that in multiplayer you don't see the other guns, arms or backpacks! Where do they go? They do just transport somewhere? Not ######ing likely!
Super Mario Brothers
I'm guessing the original idea for this franchise was created when Sega, in a bid to defeat the competition, decided to start putting drugs in Nintendo's water. Instead it had the undesired effect, providing the world with Mario Brothers, leaving Sega to shake its fist in hearty malcontent. NOTHING about this game makes sense. OK so you're an Italian plumber, who lives in a land of mushroom people, and the only other humans are your brother, the princess of the land (who should theoretically be a Mushroom you would of thought in a mushroom based land) which has been invaded by gigantic tortoise who has, as his army, further tortoises and 'goombas' don't even begin to ask what 'goombas' are. Money is gained, not as you'd think by plumbing, but rather by hitting blocks with your head. Mushrooms make you twice the size and better, and flowers make you capable of shooting fireballs out of your hand. You can travel down pipes (rather than fix them) and everyone takes this as perfectly normal. In later years when the series progresses and Mario Sunshine comes along, a Mario game about Mario being accused of grattifying the Mushroom town THEN people start to accuse Nintendo of being a few mushrooms short of a pasta sauce. Oh yes, because before it made perfect sense!
I saw Mario the other day, well I say Mario, he was an Italian looking guy with a 'tache. Obviously Mario cannot afford to go down the pipes no more. RIP Mario's employment.
It's no wonder the Super Mario Brothers film sucked so much ass though. If you're going to make a movie about something make sure that that something makes sense on some level first.
Tetris
Don't even get me ######ing started.
Sonic the Hedgehog
OK, so he's a hedgehog. Since when are hedgehogs ######ing blue?! Some Sega fan tried to explain this to me once, but I got bored and kicked his ass. And wouldn't friction burn though his shoes?! Some Sega fan tried to explain that, so I picked him up and throw him at the body of his mate.
Tomb Raider
This game features a woman kicking ass. Silly games company, women don't kick ass, well not until they've finished cooking my dinner and washing my clothes my ######ing don't.
In fact games on the whole aren't realistic. If you die YOU AREN'T COMING BACK TO LIFE IN 30 SECONDS TIME! In real life YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE OVER CAMERA ANGLES! In real life IF YOU KILL SOMEONE YOU TEND TO END UP IN JAIL!
What's this annoying fascination with realism? Why can't we just have fun games. All the above games are just good solid fun, and they didn't need realism, in fact the lack of it probably benefits them. If I wanted real life I'd go and experience it tah.
Mario wouldn't stand for this.
