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CTerry Meets Charles Kennedy
Posted by
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17 March 2005
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With a general election predicted to be in 7 weeks I decided that like anybody who enjoys taking a jab at morons, now would be a good time to seriously meet, interview, and analyse the responses of Britains great political leaders. Unfortunately none of them would return my phone calls, except for Tony Blair who made some rather strange remarks about the quote "Weapons of Mass Debation", which made sure I didn't particularly want to speak to him anyway. As a result I decided that if I can't interview Tony Blair, Michael Howard, or Charles Kennedy then the best thing to do is to pretend I'm them and then rip the utter piss out of them. In order to show a lack of bias I decided to start on Charles Kennedy. Enjoy.
CTerry: Hello, Charles.
CKennedy: Hello, Mr. Terry.
CTerry: You're well known for loving the booze almost as much as you love radical decentralization. What's your defense of this?
CKennedy: I'm Scottish.
CTerry: So's Gordon Brown, you never see him chugging on a bottle of whiskey.
CKennedy: Yes, that's because he has all the personality that is required by anyone who can spend 8 years doing accounts and not burst into tears at every public appearance.
CTerry: Do you think the same of Dr. Vincent Cable, your spokesman on the treasury?
CKennedy: Well yes and no. He went to Cambridge, which automatically makes him a wanker. And he has a PhD in Economics, which also doesn't say much of him, but then he got his PhD in Glasgow and he has all his original teeth, so he must be able to hold his drink and handle himself in a scrap.
CTerry: Do you actually ever speak to him?
CKennedy: Economics? It's all boring crap. I only talk about economics when I'm very very drunk.
CTerry: Is that why the sums in your policies don't add up?
CKennedy: Who's ######ing do? The Tories and their ######ing magic £35 billion. Yeah, let's see that one work! Or perhaps Gordon Brown's. Yeah those are great! Woo, borrowing!
CTerry: So your defense of having no economics ability is neither do Oliver Letwin or Gordon Brown. So basically we're screwed whoever we vote for.
CKennedy: Aye. Have some whiskey.
CTerry: You're drinking in the middle of this interview?
CKennedy: Well they let John Prescott eat pies when he's interviewed.
CTerry: Yes, but that's because all he does is eat pies, and no one ever interviews him anyway, cos no one can understand him whether he has half a pie in his mouth or not.
CKennedy: They still let him eat the pies.
CTerry: Moving swiftly on, what do you think is the most important thing for modern Britain?
CKennedy: Radical decentralisation. That and more whiskey.
CTerry: This is your idea that local people should govern their own affairs much more so?
CKennedy: What's that got to do with whiskey?
CTerry: It doesn't. I was referring to when you said 'Radical Decentralisation'
CKennedy: Whiskey?
CTerry: Put the damn bottle down. I've met homeless people who smell less of booze than you do. So your party believes in allowing local people to control their Local Education Authority, their local NHS trust, more power for councils and so on. One gets a vision of you standing around like someone from 'League of Gentleman' "This is a local NHS! For local people!" Why are you so obsessed with local this and that.
CKennedy: Simple really. The problem with politicians is they get blamed for everything, and that's usually cos it's their fault. What we plan to do is put it in charge of local people. So when people moan that the NHS is a piece of crap we can say 'well its not our bloody fault is it, its yours. Stop moaning.' As such we get to stay in power, I don't have to do as much work, and I still get a £200,000 a year paycheck.
CTerry: I spose that makes a scary kind of sense.
CKennedy: Do you know how many bottles of whiskey you can buy for £200,000?
CTerry: Oh enlighten me Charles.
CKennedy: 17,889.1 1 Litre Whiskey bottles, from Tesco. Tesco, every little helps.
CTerry: I feel infinitely sorry for your liver. Wait a minute, did you just advertise tesco?
CKennedy: Liver? Complaining bastard! And yes, Tesco told me they'd give me free whiskey, everytime I said that. Tesco, every little helps!
CTerry:........ Moving swiftly on. Do you not think that with all the running of the country that everybodys gonna have to get involved in that they'll have a bit of trouble with, I dunno, getting to work, looking after the kids. You know, having lives.
CKennedy: Yes, but at least they'll be able to run their own government. That'll teach them for moaning. See how they like our job for a change. Pissing and moaning that's all they ever do.
CTerry: Have another glass of whiskey Charles, it makes you so pleasant.
CKennedy: Don't mind if I do.
CTerry: Over the years the Lib Dems have been famous for having their ideas stolen by the other parties. The Independent recently remarked that the reason the Lib Dems existed was to come up with ideas so out of nowhere that no other party would think of them, and they were good enough that the other parties would nick. Examples include Scottish and Welsh devolution, the extra 1 pence per pound on basic tax which got turned into an extra 1 pence per pound on national insurance, why even Britain's current abortion law is the same basic one as proposed in the 1960s by the then Liberal Party Leader. Some would say your compaign on council tax has resulted in both Labour and the Tories making strides in that direction- you were the ones who brought attention to it, and you have also been the party that traditionally calls for more civil liberties and opposes draconian measures, something Michael Howard decided to do, seemingly at random, when the government introduced its new terror bill. Whats your take on this?
CKennedy: Mooching ######ing bastards. Stealing our policies, and I know Oliver Letwin's been sneaking into my office and nicking the whiskey from my liquor cabinet. I tell yer, everytime I wake up in a puddle of me own drool, I always find there's at least 2 or 3 less bottles there than I remember.
CTerry: Right, do you have any final comments for the electorate.
CKennedy: Tesco, every little helps!
CTerry: What's truly amazing is I'd still rather vote for you than the other two guys.
CTerry: Hello, Charles.
CKennedy: Hello, Mr. Terry.
CTerry: You're well known for loving the booze almost as much as you love radical decentralization. What's your defense of this?
CKennedy: I'm Scottish.
CTerry: So's Gordon Brown, you never see him chugging on a bottle of whiskey.
CKennedy: Yes, that's because he has all the personality that is required by anyone who can spend 8 years doing accounts and not burst into tears at every public appearance.
CTerry: Do you think the same of Dr. Vincent Cable, your spokesman on the treasury?
CKennedy: Well yes and no. He went to Cambridge, which automatically makes him a wanker. And he has a PhD in Economics, which also doesn't say much of him, but then he got his PhD in Glasgow and he has all his original teeth, so he must be able to hold his drink and handle himself in a scrap.
CTerry: Do you actually ever speak to him?
CKennedy: Economics? It's all boring crap. I only talk about economics when I'm very very drunk.
CTerry: Is that why the sums in your policies don't add up?
CKennedy: Who's ######ing do? The Tories and their ######ing magic £35 billion. Yeah, let's see that one work! Or perhaps Gordon Brown's. Yeah those are great! Woo, borrowing!
CTerry: So your defense of having no economics ability is neither do Oliver Letwin or Gordon Brown. So basically we're screwed whoever we vote for.
CKennedy: Aye. Have some whiskey.
CTerry: You're drinking in the middle of this interview?
CKennedy: Well they let John Prescott eat pies when he's interviewed.
CTerry: Yes, but that's because all he does is eat pies, and no one ever interviews him anyway, cos no one can understand him whether he has half a pie in his mouth or not.
CKennedy: They still let him eat the pies.
CTerry: Moving swiftly on, what do you think is the most important thing for modern Britain?
CKennedy: Radical decentralisation. That and more whiskey.
CTerry: This is your idea that local people should govern their own affairs much more so?
CKennedy: What's that got to do with whiskey?
CTerry: It doesn't. I was referring to when you said 'Radical Decentralisation'
CKennedy: Whiskey?
CTerry: Put the damn bottle down. I've met homeless people who smell less of booze than you do. So your party believes in allowing local people to control their Local Education Authority, their local NHS trust, more power for councils and so on. One gets a vision of you standing around like someone from 'League of Gentleman' "This is a local NHS! For local people!" Why are you so obsessed with local this and that.
CKennedy: Simple really. The problem with politicians is they get blamed for everything, and that's usually cos it's their fault. What we plan to do is put it in charge of local people. So when people moan that the NHS is a piece of crap we can say 'well its not our bloody fault is it, its yours. Stop moaning.' As such we get to stay in power, I don't have to do as much work, and I still get a £200,000 a year paycheck.
CTerry: I spose that makes a scary kind of sense.
CKennedy: Do you know how many bottles of whiskey you can buy for £200,000?
CTerry: Oh enlighten me Charles.
CKennedy: 17,889.1 1 Litre Whiskey bottles, from Tesco. Tesco, every little helps.
CTerry: I feel infinitely sorry for your liver. Wait a minute, did you just advertise tesco?
CKennedy: Liver? Complaining bastard! And yes, Tesco told me they'd give me free whiskey, everytime I said that. Tesco, every little helps!
CTerry:........ Moving swiftly on. Do you not think that with all the running of the country that everybodys gonna have to get involved in that they'll have a bit of trouble with, I dunno, getting to work, looking after the kids. You know, having lives.
CKennedy: Yes, but at least they'll be able to run their own government. That'll teach them for moaning. See how they like our job for a change. Pissing and moaning that's all they ever do.
CTerry: Have another glass of whiskey Charles, it makes you so pleasant.
CKennedy: Don't mind if I do.
CTerry: Over the years the Lib Dems have been famous for having their ideas stolen by the other parties. The Independent recently remarked that the reason the Lib Dems existed was to come up with ideas so out of nowhere that no other party would think of them, and they were good enough that the other parties would nick. Examples include Scottish and Welsh devolution, the extra 1 pence per pound on basic tax which got turned into an extra 1 pence per pound on national insurance, why even Britain's current abortion law is the same basic one as proposed in the 1960s by the then Liberal Party Leader. Some would say your compaign on council tax has resulted in both Labour and the Tories making strides in that direction- you were the ones who brought attention to it, and you have also been the party that traditionally calls for more civil liberties and opposes draconian measures, something Michael Howard decided to do, seemingly at random, when the government introduced its new terror bill. Whats your take on this?
CKennedy: Mooching ######ing bastards. Stealing our policies, and I know Oliver Letwin's been sneaking into my office and nicking the whiskey from my liquor cabinet. I tell yer, everytime I wake up in a puddle of me own drool, I always find there's at least 2 or 3 less bottles there than I remember.
CTerry: Right, do you have any final comments for the electorate.
CKennedy: Tesco, every little helps!
CTerry: What's truly amazing is I'd still rather vote for you than the other two guys.
