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CTerry Meets The Leader of the Opposition
Posted by
,
20 March 2005
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Any good election campaign has at its core two main foes, battling it out for victory. Kerry vs. Bush, Major vs. Blair, Ken Livingston vs. The Rest of the Labour Party. So I thought that after my Charles Kennedy interview it was best to look at the opposition.
CTerry: Hello Gordon.
GBrown: It is financially viable to here today.
CTerry: Uhhh..... right. Its pretty blatant to everyone that you and Tony don't get on as much as you used to. Why is that?
GBrown: Well I found him cheating on me with that bastard Mandelson.
CTerry: Well that wasn't very.......... you what?!
GBrown: I knew he had that office sound proofed for a reason. Likes to play the Who at fully volume my arse.
CTerry: What?!
GBrown: I said he liked to play the Who while he was......
CTerry: Moving swiftly on!
GBrown: ......arse.
CTerry: What about these suggestions that you want his job?
GBrown: Well I figure, whats the best way to get back at someone? Make sure they can't pay the bills.
CTerry: But Cherie earns more than Tony. Surely she pays the bills.
GBrown:........ Don't poke holes in my hopes and dreams.
CTerry: You've presided over the longest period of economic growth since records began- in 1701, your policies of tax credits and minimum wage have been considered by many the most succesful part of the New Labour government, some, such as Tony Benn, have gone as far to say that Tony Blair as PM has been a total disaster, but Gordon Brown as Chancellor has been an unrivalled success. Tony himself recently declared you the greatest Chancellor in the last 100 years. Whats your take on all of this?
GBrown: I think Lloyd George was a better Chancellor.
CTerry: Lloyd George, you mean the Chancellor who on budget day, stood up to make his speech, opened up the box that holds the budget only to discover that he'd gone and left the budget at home?
GBrown: Just my little attempt at humour.
CTerry: Do not attempt humour in my presence ever again.
GBrown: Sorry.
CTerry: Answer the damn question.
GBrown: Well I think I am wonderful yes.
CTerry: Is that why you won't allow your numbers to go to independent audit.
GBrown: Yes, because no one can understand my numbers, because they're so superior to everybody elses.
CTerry: Right, so your reasoning is that no one is good as you at anything, ever.
GBrown: That is totally correct.
CTerry: Moving on to your current projects, recently we've started to see you go on trips to Africa, to China, and so on. Whats your reasoning behind this?
GBrown: Well Tony goes to frickin America and Europe every other week, so I thought I'd try to go somewhere which isn't full of rich bastards and make it seem like I'm a caring sod. Its worked too. While Tony's hobnobbing with George and Silvio Belusconi I'm hanging out in Africa caring for the starving children. Aren't I lovely. Awwwwww.
CTerry: Polls show that when given a choice between you and Alan Milburn, current Chancellor to the Duchy of Lancaster and believed to be Tony's choice for successor that the public would overwhelmingly select you. Why do you think that is?
GBrown: Because Alan Milburn's a complete and utter arse.
CTerry: Well I can't say you're inaccurate. What do you think you would do if you were Prime Minister?
GBrown: Radical decentralisation, deregulation of trade and industry, radical changes to the taxation system....
CTerry: Hang on a minute, these are all bloody Lib Dem policies. In the past you've also made the Bank of England independent (despite it not being in the Labour manifesto) when it was in the Lib Dem manifesto and put 1p on National Insurance, mirroring a Lib Dem policy, do you think maybe joined the wrong party?
GBrown: No, I think the Lib Dems did.
CTerry: Why's that?
GBrown: Because the frickin Green Party have more chance of winning the next election than they do.
CTerry: Point taken. Do you ever miss Tony?
GBrown: NO! That bastard ripped out my heart and jumped up and down on it over and over again! I'LL NEVER TAKE HIM BACK! NNNNEEEEEEVVVVVVVEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This interview is over!
CTerry: Umm..... I guess that's the end then.
CTerry: Hello Gordon.
GBrown: It is financially viable to here today.
CTerry: Uhhh..... right. Its pretty blatant to everyone that you and Tony don't get on as much as you used to. Why is that?
GBrown: Well I found him cheating on me with that bastard Mandelson.
CTerry: Well that wasn't very.......... you what?!
GBrown: I knew he had that office sound proofed for a reason. Likes to play the Who at fully volume my arse.
CTerry: What?!
GBrown: I said he liked to play the Who while he was......
CTerry: Moving swiftly on!
GBrown: ......arse.
CTerry: What about these suggestions that you want his job?
GBrown: Well I figure, whats the best way to get back at someone? Make sure they can't pay the bills.
CTerry: But Cherie earns more than Tony. Surely she pays the bills.
GBrown:........ Don't poke holes in my hopes and dreams.
CTerry: You've presided over the longest period of economic growth since records began- in 1701, your policies of tax credits and minimum wage have been considered by many the most succesful part of the New Labour government, some, such as Tony Benn, have gone as far to say that Tony Blair as PM has been a total disaster, but Gordon Brown as Chancellor has been an unrivalled success. Tony himself recently declared you the greatest Chancellor in the last 100 years. Whats your take on all of this?
GBrown: I think Lloyd George was a better Chancellor.
CTerry: Lloyd George, you mean the Chancellor who on budget day, stood up to make his speech, opened up the box that holds the budget only to discover that he'd gone and left the budget at home?
GBrown: Just my little attempt at humour.
CTerry: Do not attempt humour in my presence ever again.
GBrown: Sorry.
CTerry: Answer the damn question.
GBrown: Well I think I am wonderful yes.
CTerry: Is that why you won't allow your numbers to go to independent audit.
GBrown: Yes, because no one can understand my numbers, because they're so superior to everybody elses.
CTerry: Right, so your reasoning is that no one is good as you at anything, ever.
GBrown: That is totally correct.
CTerry: Moving on to your current projects, recently we've started to see you go on trips to Africa, to China, and so on. Whats your reasoning behind this?
GBrown: Well Tony goes to frickin America and Europe every other week, so I thought I'd try to go somewhere which isn't full of rich bastards and make it seem like I'm a caring sod. Its worked too. While Tony's hobnobbing with George and Silvio Belusconi I'm hanging out in Africa caring for the starving children. Aren't I lovely. Awwwwww.
CTerry: Polls show that when given a choice between you and Alan Milburn, current Chancellor to the Duchy of Lancaster and believed to be Tony's choice for successor that the public would overwhelmingly select you. Why do you think that is?
GBrown: Because Alan Milburn's a complete and utter arse.
CTerry: Well I can't say you're inaccurate. What do you think you would do if you were Prime Minister?
GBrown: Radical decentralisation, deregulation of trade and industry, radical changes to the taxation system....
CTerry: Hang on a minute, these are all bloody Lib Dem policies. In the past you've also made the Bank of England independent (despite it not being in the Labour manifesto) when it was in the Lib Dem manifesto and put 1p on National Insurance, mirroring a Lib Dem policy, do you think maybe joined the wrong party?
GBrown: No, I think the Lib Dems did.
CTerry: Why's that?
GBrown: Because the frickin Green Party have more chance of winning the next election than they do.
CTerry: Point taken. Do you ever miss Tony?
GBrown: NO! That bastard ripped out my heart and jumped up and down on it over and over again! I'LL NEVER TAKE HIM BACK! NNNNEEEEEEVVVVVVVEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This interview is over!
CTerry: Umm..... I guess that's the end then.
