[Stephen]

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Ghandi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey, Goosey?

THE WEAKEST LINK
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway.

Anne Robinson: Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius?
Contestant: Bombay.

Anne Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?
Contestant: Crocodiles.
Anne Robinson: Wh...?
Contestant (interrupting): Pass!

Anne Robinson: In olden times,! what were minstrels, travelling entertainers or chocolate salesmen?
Contestant: Chocolate salesmen.

Anne Robinson: The Bible, the New Testament. The Four Gospels were written by Matthew, Mark, Luke and...?
Contestant: (long pause) Joe?

Anne Robinson: Who was a famous Indian leader, whose name begins with G, revered by millions, who was assassinated and received a state funeral?
Contestant: Geronimo!

NATIONAL LOTTERY JET SET
Eamonn Holmes: What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the initials G.B.S.?
Contestant: William Shakespeare.

FAMILY FORTUNES
1) Something a blind man might use? - A Sword

2) A song with the word Moon in the title? - Blue Suede Moon

3) Name the capital of France? - F

4) Name a bird with a long Neck? - Naomi Campbell

5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? - A burglar

6) Where is the Taj Mahal? - Opposite the Dental Hospital

7) What is Hitler's first name? - Heil

8) A famous Scotsman? - Jock

9) Some famous brothers? - Bonnie and Clyde.

10) A dangerous race? - The Arabs

11) Something that floats in a bath? - Water

12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? - A horse

13) Something you wear on a beach? - A deckchair

14) A famous Royal? - Mail

15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? - A bicycle with wings

RADIO LINCS PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

STEVE WRIGHT SHOW, RADIO 2
Wright: On which continent would you find the River Danube?
Contestant: India.

Wright: What is the Italian word for motorway?
Contestant: Espresso.

Wright: What is the capital of Australia? And it's not Sydney.
Contestant: Sydney.

THIS MORNING
Judy Finnegan: The American TV show 'The Sopranos' is about opera. True or false?
Contestant: True?
Judy Finnegan: No, actually, it's about the Mafia. But it is an American TV show,so I'll give you that.

BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

BOB HOPE BIRTHDAY QUIZ, LBC
Presenter: Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons?
Contestant: Four

BBC GMR, PHIL WOOD SHOW
Wood: What "K" could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er...
Wood: It's got two syllables... Kor...
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha no. The past participle of run...
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I ru! n, yesterday I...
Contestant: Walked?

DARYL'S DRIVETIME, VIRGIN RADIO
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Daryl Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.

[Stewart]

Brilliant!

[Stephen]

Advice

DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite
tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another
song you like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a p*ss before the film starts.

RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by
actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your
identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red
wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove
the stains.

SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial
tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.

MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to
yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking
out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of
their dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the
CVs into the bin.

MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the
volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your
wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending GBP50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a
very small horse is approaching.

BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not
wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn
and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send
them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving
everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the
morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the
valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

DEPRESSED people. Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help',
simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving.
Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think
you are listening to the sea.

JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in
your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser
disks.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing
outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and
occasionally glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg
into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph.
After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the
pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

[Sunlite]

That was great!

[NightAssassin]

Quote

10) A dangerous race? - The Arabs

Funniest of all.

[Why Two Kay]

Quote

Wright: What is the capital of Australia? And it's not Sydney.
Contestant: Sydney.

Eh?

[John]

Stephen, on Jan 21 2006, 01:01 AM, said:

THIS MORNING
Judy Finnegan: The American TV show 'The Sopranos' is about opera. True or false?
Contestant: True?
Judy Finnegan: No, actually, it's about the Mafia. But it is an American TV show,so I'll give you that.

They always do that!

[lister]

Some crackers on there

Quote

4) Name a bird with a long Neck? - Naomi Campbell

That always makes me laugh, as does the man who I think said Chicken for every question.

[John]

lister, on Jan 21 2006, 09:07 AM, said:

Some crackers on there
That always makes me laugh, as does the man who I think said Chicken for every question.

Wasn't it Turkey?

[Arkitus]

NightAssassin, on Jan 21 2006, 01:24 AM, said:

Funniest of all.

[Michael Boutros]

NightAssassin, on Jan 20 2006, 06:24 PM, said:

Funniest of all.

Couldn't agree more!

[Eyas]

Yes, stupid people do exist.. what a shame